Hogwarts in a Strange alternate Universe
by Ciannait
Summary: My own strange Universe of Hogwarts. BTW everything belongs to JK Rowling. Don't sue me!
1. Everyone needs help, seriously

  
  
  
  


He fought for his life. It was choking him. 

He fought for his life. It was smothering him. 

He fought for his life. It was strangling him. 

He fought for his life. It was suffocating him. 

He fought for his life. It was rice pudding.   
  


"Hey, Harry. Wake up! Harry?" Ron said to the non-moving Harry. 

"He's asleep in his rice pudding again. Ron, let him be."   
  


No!! He thought, Save me!! Ron! Hermione! I'm drowning!!! In rice pudding!! Help! 

Everything went black.   
  


Harry woke up sweating. "You know who dreams again?" Ron asked rhetorically. Harry nodded.   
  


Later that day at lunch. 

"Why are cowering away from . . . that bowl of rice pudding?" Hermione questioned. 

"Uuuuuuh, eeeh, I mean, uuh . . . It was made by house elfs." 

"Good! I'm glad that you've joined my side. Have some of my homemade lunch," Hermione offered. Harry took the brown goop that she handed him. He made a face. 

"It's healthy! It's says so in Mr. Lockheart's recipe book!" 

"I feel so . . . reassured."   
  


Even Later at Quidditch practice. 

"Now team," said the captain of the team, "I found this nifty spell that will make our broomsticks temporarily alive." 

"This would be useful . . . how?" Fred said. 

"Well, we get to know our broomsticks and therefore they become more responsive and. . . uuuh . . . they . . . well eeer yeah." Quietly to himself "And I want to talk to Miss Betty Westy." 

"Man, does that guy have issues!" Fred said, "He should see a shrink!" 

"Didn't anyone tell you?" George said, "The school shrink is Lockheart!" 

Harry muttered the spell and the broomstick started to quiver. It rose into the air, then spun around to face him. A mouth opened and a voice came out. It was high pitched, nasal and annoyed. 

"Hey Mr. Control Freak! Always telling me what to do! Go this way! Go that way! Well I'm sick of it! It's just a stupid little flying thing. And always making me go out in all sorts of weather! Well I would just like to stay inside under the nice warm bed. But noooo! When I get to sleep you have these nightmares and wake me up! Well no more buddy! Nooooo more!" 

And on it went. Complaining all night long. Actually Harry preferred that to his rice pudding nightmare.   
  


Later the next day right before the huge Quidditch game against Slytherin. 

"1 . . . 2 . . . 3!" Every broomstick shot into the air. All but one. Harry's broomstick just sat on the ground in sullen silence. The crowd burst into laughter pointing at Harry. The more they laughed, they more he thought of rice pudding. Soon he was passed out on the ground.   
  


At the Nurse's Office 

"Anxiety attack. You need to see the school shrink . . . I mean psychiatrist." Madam Pomfry declared. 

"Oooooh no!" Harry groaned.   
  


At the shrink's office. 

"Harry, what we are seeing here is something recurring from your past. Here - read this book and maybe it's help." Lockheart shoved a book entitled: Mr. Lockheart - The Psychiatrist in You. 

"There's a special bonus - a free spell: Deboning made Easy!" 

"Lovely." 

  
  
  
  



	2. The book

And the story continues... A/N - This is not a drill. This is not a drill. Warners Brothers has gone mad. Do not sue. I repeat, do not sue...  
  
Harry grinned painfully and managed to escape. As he walked by Moaning Myrtle's bathroom he thought of chucking "The Psychiatrist in You" into her bathroom. Nah, she had suffered enough.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Laying in bed, Harry refused to shut his eyes. Closed eyes led to sleep which led to dreams which led to . . . nightmares. He picked up Lockheart's book and began to thumb through it. It was actually very interesting. He feeling about rice pudding were actually his feelings for another wizard, resurfacing as a food. The type of food meant, oh. There was a list:  
  
FoodPersonalityLikeBroccolihandsomeMeChickenbrilliantMeChocolatecreativeMeSu shiphotogenicMeEnglish MuffinsfamousMeJelly structuresrichMeRice PuddingmodestMeDonutsBody of steelMePastaSuper smileMe And these feelings of despise, hatred, and fear all meant: adoration love trust Great. He was in love with Lockheart... but he did have such a nice smile. And his body, and his eyes, his gorgeous eyes.  
  
That night he was nightmare free. He had dreams about Lockheart. Them running through fields of daisies together, swimming at the beach...  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Lockheart glanced in the mirror and felt a bit self conscious. But that can't be. He had his special book that made him fall in love with himself. Wait, he hadn't given it to Harry had he? He must get the book back, now! But . . . he simply couldn't go out in public looking like this! That night he dreamed of bad hair days, spinage in his teeth, and zits all over his face! It was his worst nightmare - high school all over again!!!  
  
Pretty weird huh? That's why it's called Hogwarts in an alternate universe. 


End file.
